So this is going to be one of those personal posts but I think it's become 100% necessary for me to do a little reassessing.
I am a perfectionist but, and this is a recent realisation, I am also a pessimist. This makes for an explosive combination. I will see the bad before I see the good, I worry before I have any reason too, I see the faults rather than the perfectly executed parts. I fret constantly that I will be letting someone down and that I've proved myself not good enough.
This has come to a head a bit this week as I have found this week's cakes remarkably difficult. Not particularly the cakes themselves but the feelings I've had towards them which have been sad and troubled.
From the tears and shouts and stress that were coming from my kitchen on Friday night, you'd think I'd made a cake so horrific it belonged in the bin. And from the words directed at my cake last night as I was lying on my kitchen floor, you'd think my Winnie the Pooh looked like an actual turd. This culminated in a confession to my boyfriend that I didn't know if I was going to do the next lot of cakes.
This is not the first time this has happened. I know people sometimes aren't happy with things they've done but for me it seems to have become a habit. Even looking through some of my posts about my cakes, they are so spattered with negative comments and put-me-downs that it's no wonder I feel the way I do about them. I start out with such huge expectations of myself, and it's completely crushing when I don't feel I'm living up to them.
I have managed to convince myself that doing this is the only way I am going to get better and to learn. How can I improve if I don't scrutinise myself over everything and if I don't strive for perfection?
But now this is spilling into other areas of my life and that's just not on.
It has crossed my mind a few times whether I should just stop altogether. Is it worth it? Why should I bother? I will (obviously) never be good enough.
I think the very fact that I never act on any of those thoughts means that I know in my heart I don't want to give it and that it is worth it and that I bother because I love it and I am good at it. We all have off days, I just need to make sure I am not always having an off day and that I need to see the rainbows instead of the rain.
I've gone through this process before but I find it so easy to slip back into the world of negative thoughts. So maybe if I put it out there to the world, if I owned up to how I'd been feeling, I would be more driven to make a change and to stick to it. I want to make the world happy through cake and I can't do that if my own cakes aren't even making me happy.
So here I am: promising that I will make a change. One step at a time. And during those steps I am going to soak up every positive thing I can find. I have spent an inordinate amount of time doubting and picking at myself that I know it's going to be hard. But it's vital that it gets dealt with. I know it will take time but I also know I can figure this out and find the confidence to get to where I want to be. This is suppose to be a journey and I swear I will enjoy it.
I have had nothing but positivity from some lovely people since I started Tallulah's, and to anyone reading this it upsets me to think it may come across like I have just dismissed and disrespected your kind comments. I am forever grateful for the support of anyone I have come into contact with and hope that our mutual love and encouragement will long continue.